Monday, October 28, 2013

Goodbye Girl

This time last year I was celebrating my "quarter-of-a-century" birthday, and ruminating over whether or not 25 was the 'perfect' age (hint: there's no such thing).

While I certainly can't say 25 is the perfect age, I can say that it was a year of many changes including loss of friendships (heartbreaking, but ultimately necessary), death in the family (just plain heartbreaking) and a complete reconstruction to the path my life was taking.

I spent the last 2 years 6 years of my life investing in my "plan B" for no other reason than fear. Fear that people wouldn't take me seriously, or think I was 'smart" if I didn't have a piece of paper to prove it. Fear that my dreams were only just that, and that I was naive to believe in something. Fear that I didn't have it in me to do the hard work necessary. Fear that I would lose my love, or my home - my things. I thought blazers, pencil skirts and peplum dresses in neutral colours, paired with sensible flats and my very own cubicle would protect me (HA!).

I was very sneaky about it though. I didn't tell myself I was afraid. Instead I fed myself plausible excuses - I was setting myself up to be a writer in the future (I wasn't even acknowledging the actress in me at this point as I was still telling myself I was "done" with that phase of my life), with a good job now, with a nice salary that would fund my writing. But I forgot one little detail - toiling away for years and years in a windowless office, working more for less pay, making just enough to survive is not a way to fund your dreams.

I won't ever profess to know what the meaning of life is, or why we're here - but I do believe that what I've described above is not it. A tarot card reader once told me I was "coping with life" rather than living it and she was right. It's what I've been doing, but the difference now is I'm finally saying FUCK THAT!! I can live a life I love - LIVING. Not just surviving for the (slim) possibility of a few years rest at the end.

{I don't want to rest - I want to be making art until the day I die and I want to have a damn great time doing it!}

I have a good life right now - that I can't deny. I have more than most people, and so much to be grateful for. But why should I settle for a good life when I have the power to choose to make it a GREAT one?

One of the biggest lessons I'm only starting to scratch the surface of is learning to let go of the person I thought I was (or wanted to be) and begin to embrace who I actually am. This is hard work. No one said it would be easy.

This is my last post.
You can find me here - my new home is a work in progress, but it will evolve with love.

xo C

{Images via pinterest}