Monday, April 29, 2013

Grief - Part 2

I just finished my last exam. I originally had a post scheduled for today that was all about popping champagne and celebrating, but the truth of it is, I don't really feel like celebrating (and as long as we're being honest here - I don't really feel I deserve to celebrate). A few weeks back I wrote a post about grief. It was spontaneous, written that morning and it came from the heart. It revealed that I'm struggling.

You see, back in January a young man in my extended family passed away. And as you may have guessed, he was far too young and his life was taken by some cruel, misguided and lost individuals.

A few days ago, my husband's grandmother also passed away and, well, suffice to say this girl just hasn't felt like celebrating.

My intention in sharing this on my blog is not to bring anyone else down, or to illicit sympathy. Rather, I just want to be honest about where I am right now.

I've never been great at handling loss in any form (I don't actually know anyone who is), and it's been a great source of contention for me because I often resort to putting on a (fake) smile and telling everyone I'm fine, when all I really want is to connect, and then it ends up imploding in some self-sabotaging way.

And in many ways, we're all enablers of this type of behaviour. How many times are you asked in a day "how are you?" and how many times have you said "fine," or "okay" when what you really wanted to say was "actually I'm feeling pretty shitty, and I need a hug or some time off". How many times have you asked that question, only expecting (wanting) the other person to say "fine" because anything else would be too much. That shit would just be too real, and how dare they rain on your parade.

So here are a few of my truths about where I am right now because if I have to start putting on a fake smile here, then I just don't think I have it in me to keep it up:

I'm sad.

I'm angry.

I'm still not over the fact that my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer and went through surgery and chemotherapy and even though he is fine now, it's a constant reminder of how I came so close to losing him. I'm still in awe of the incredible support he received from his friends and co-workers; I'm still sad that not one of my friends picked up the phone now and then to ask me how I was.

I'm afraid of dying.

I feel overwhelmed.

I try my best to be a good person, but I still fuck up sometimes.

I'm human, and even though life is this beautiful, crazy miracle - the truth is sometimes it sucks. And so right now I just want to say "I'm not fine" and I want that to be okay.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Change ...

{There are some changes that are going to be happening in the layout and direction of this blog ... can't wait to share them with you!}


Monday, April 15, 2013

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Join my CIRCLE OF FIRE Book Club!

{photo courtesy of}

I mentioned THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS  in a recent post. In that last post I mentioned that I wanted to re-read the book in order to actually complete the sessions, so I have decided to start a Fire Starter Sessions book club, as well as do a mini-series on the blog to document my progress, this summer. 

For those of you that have never heard of the Fire Starter Sessions, a few nuggets of wisdom:

* Life balance is a myth, and the pursuit of it is causing us more stress than the craving of balance itself.
* Being well-rounded is highly overrated. When you focus on developing your true strengths, you enter your mastery zone.
* Screw your principles. They might be holding you back.
* We have ambition backward. Getting clear on how you want to FEEL in your life + work is more important than setting goals. 

In sixteen sessions, Danielle LaPorte asks you the questions that will push you to rethink your assumptions about what will make you happy. This is a training course for taking the leap of your life.  

  {photo courtesy of}

Having already read through the book once (albeit quickly - I am still a busy student after all) I can say that Danielle has created a program that can be mind-blowingly life changing - if you let it! In the end that's what its all about - YOU are the only one who can create the success and life you want (super corny, I know, but very true and something we need to remind ourselves of often).

So, with all of that said ...

I want to take the opportunity now to invite anyone else who is interested and willing to do the work to join my in-person and/or virtual 'Circle of Fire' book club! What do you have to do?

1. Purchase your own copy of the Fire Starter Sessions*
2. Download the worksheets from Danielle's website
3. Commit to doing the work this summer
4. Be willing to connect with the book club group on a regular, pre-decided basis
5. Blog or write about your experience (this is optional)

And that's it!

I am open to doing meet-ups in person (local Ottawa area only) if anyone else is interested {I think this could be really fun, especially if wine & cheese is involved ;p}, online through or Skype, Google+, etc. If Twitter is your thing you can use the #FireSS hashtag to connect and document your progress.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE INFO - I will do a follow up post in May. For those interested in joining me in this experience let me know either in the comment section (include a valid e-mail address) or send me an e-mail or message on Twitter. In terms of start date for the book club, I would like to start sometime in June.

I've always wanted to start a book club, so I'm really excited about this and I can't wait to connect!

* If you are unable to purchase a copy of the book that's okay. Danielle offers the worksheets on her website for free, and a lot of the information in the book was original published as blog posts on her website for - you got it - free!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Quote of the Day

{Love her.}

Quick update: Only 3 more weeks -19 days - until I'm a free woman! (no more pencils no more books ... err, of the school sort in any case.) I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself (get drunk with my girlfriends and then sleep for two weeks?)

In any case ... it's exciting. It's scary. And it's happening.

Friday, April 5, 2013

From 'I don't know' to 'I'll figure it out!'

I've recently begun to re-embark on a passion project that I abandoned almost 6 years ago because I was scared that I didn't know what I was doing. And I was right. I didn't know. But by declaring that I didn't know, I was ruling out the possibility that I could figure it out. And because I ruled out possibility, it became impossible. Marie Forleo has a great PSA about everything being 'figure-outable' (hilariously simple advice), but I also wanted to share the following message from the author of THE FIRE STARTER SESSIONS (I just finished it, yes, it had to be in CAPS it was that good, and I'm raring to go through it again to complete the session worksheets), Danielle LaPorte:

the “i don’t know” conspiracy

Tough spot, painful circumstance, official dilemma. A total jam.

“I just don’t know what to do.”

Hmmm. Then what? If you just don’t know what to do, then what are you going to do? Probably nothing. If you declare you don’t know then you won’t…know. You’ll just sway back ‘n forth in the lull of your status quo unknowingness. No need to change because you just don’t want to know. Knowing would change things. Knowing would require you to change things.

If you said to your Commanding Officer, “I just don’t know what to do,” you’d be scrubbing the latrine in short order. If you told your heart-broken significant other, “I just don’t know what to do,” it wouldn’t exactly foster the mojo or the trust. If the Opportunity Fairy fluttered your way and you told her, “I just don’t know,” then she’d be off to her next assignment. She might stick around if you showed some initiative, or asked for a night to sleep on it — anything to show your sincere interest in revelation.

RE-FRAME: Tough spot, painful circumstance….bloody seemingly impossible, grotesquely challenging, borderline hellish:

“I’ll figure this out.”

How’s that feel? Better, doesn’t it? More…possible. More upright. Wings ready to spread. Ears piqued to hear universal cues. Instincts at the helm.

Confusion is a marvelous, magical place. Suspending certainty is an act of enlightenment. And “Security,” as Helen Keller put it, “is mostly superstition.” I’m not talking about being certain {impossible} or being arrogantly presumptuous of what’s coming next. I’m talking about responding creatively to life. “I just don’t know,” is often a cover up for “I don’t want to grow.”

“I’ll figure it out,” may mean waiting quietly, even for a long time, on the will of heaven. It may mean turning over every single stone without rest until you find the answer or the escape hatch. It may mean praying til you sweat, surveying the experts, or forty days in the desert. But one thing’s for sure, if you declare that you’ll figure it out, the possibilities are endless.

- Danielle Laporte (link to the original article)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Quote of the Day

Today's quote was inspired by this post ... it's worth taking a look!