Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Grief (a personal post)

This morning I woke up with the sun shining bright through my window. My head was pounding (I am getting over a cold) so I tried to block it out with my pillow as I buried myself further under the covers. I've been missing classes and procrastinating on assignments. I'm just finding it hard to be around others right now - to put on that fake smile (that I'm really good at) and say everything is alright because I really hate letting other people see those parts of me. I find it hard to focus on the work that I need to do. I haven't really spoken of the grief that I feel - the grief I imagine I don't have the right to feel. Because we weren't that close and we weren't related by blood. But I do feel grief - it wants to pour itself out and cover every inch of space around me and suck up all the air until I can no longer breath without it, and then, finally, until I can. But I try too hard to keep it contained and it builds up inside instead. It is hard to accept death. It is harder to accept when the one who is no longer there was so young, and good and had a whole life ahead of him only for it to be taken away so suddenly by a momentary act of senseless violence. You just can't say it was an accident or meant to be. To many it's just another sad headline - you see it, think for a quick moment 'how sad' before continuing to scroll through your twitter feed. I wouldn't blame one single person because I do the same; unfortunately, there are just too many like it. But when it's your own - when you're a mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, child or the small village they grew up in - you grieve. And you ask 'why?' Because it just doesn't make sense, and it never will.

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